Friday, December 30, 2005

ADSENSUAL PORK

It's 2am, 20th or so December, and I'm driving east some very dark and peculiar backstreet in Mountain View. Headlights in my ivory '70 Karmann Ghia are good only to look at, not the other way around. Her body is also so feminine, just like a tall sensuous naked woman splayed on asphalt. It's so close a picture, even my stomach spasms. No, I'm just hungry, so she looks to me more of a well scrubbed pig body at butcher's. Especially with all those 'phrrt' sounds of a missed oil change. Alexandr Levintov in his excellent culturological study called 'Жратва', or 'Fressen', if in German, no good English equivalent exists, describes Transcarpatian pork shashlik with marinated onions. Good, very good, indeed. Still, even as hungry as I am now, I'd rather go for one of L'viv style: lots of Armenian spiced lemon juice as a replacement of vinegar in marinade. Naturally, with a 1-liter stein of L'vivs'ke as a traditional side.

Oh how hungry I am. For such emergencies Countess Maria Razumovskaya (née Princess Poniatowska) suggests stuffed pork belly: 2 lb sauerkraut of Polish descent, 2 apples, 2 oz of Russian cream butter for stuffing, a whole emptied pork belly; now sew it up with stuffing inside, wrap it in foil and bake for 90 minutes at 375 F. It's a dish of truly hallucinatory qualities: when even dreams of it can smell.

Corners of my eyes catch a dimly lit road sign: ROAD PORK AHEAD. WTF! What? Backing 50 yards of my hunger shock overrun, to see it once again. Naturally, it reads ROAD WORK AHEAD. Grrr...

It's just like my affair with AdSense which abruptly ended lately after I as a publisher of this blog clicked too much on those ads myself. But how could I restrain myself, when my mentioning of San Andreas' Last Fart and presumed tsunami and loss of life triggered a hailstorm of ads for surfing equipment, hurricane Katrina scam aid, and male enhancement offers. Naturally, I was curious to find just one or two 'good' ads, good ones in an old-fashioned sense of relevancy. So basically that's why it took me so many illegal clicks: didn't find many.

Well, now I know that AdSense is on dope. Otherwise, how could my blog sell Viagra in the same menu with helping tsunami victims? Can you see pork here? Non olet, they said, and took all my several AdCents away, to return them to those spammers:

'The earnings on your account will be properly returned to the affected advertisers./Sincerely,/The Google AdSense Team'.



(to be continued; or not; as usual, no animal was killed, or mutilated, except for couple in Levintov and in Princess cases, and I don't own ivory, fully restored '70 Karmann Ghia, all geographical locations are imaginary, trademarks are also hallucinatory)

Thursday, December 08, 2005

ЛЕННОН ЖИЛ, ЛЕННОН ЖИВ, ЛЕННОН БУДЕТ ЖИТЬ!

Localize this, deep in your heart.

Elsewhere, but the poet is the same:

ЛЕННОН И ТЕПЕРЬ ЖИВЕЕ ВСЕХ ЖИВЫХ

Monday, November 21, 2005

TWENTY YEARS AFTER

Solar-powered Google HotSpots, Google News Webcams, and Google Appliances show good survivability in San Alcatraz, that part of former San Francisco which swam offshore after San Andreas Last Fart. The aid for human and animal survivors is severely restricted by the war raging in Newfoundrogueland over newly found frying oil reserves. Googler-enhanced helmets for our troops are of great help, though: everyone can direct a troop or two or find a loose helmet.

At home base, the Church of Jesus Christ the Seismologist (former Jesus Christ Scientist) starts its final battle against the Intelligent Design followers locked and besieged at the Moffett Field's hangar. Xooglers fight at both sides as there are many warring sects and factions among millions of those: Eks-Ooglers, zooglers, cross-ooglers, Hi-Ooglers, Ksooglers, etc. Soaring AdCents values of corresponding stocks are at stake here. Contrary for popular belief, Google's firing of their Java Evangelists and hiring Stoli Evangelists instead has no relation to any religious conflicts.

Some humanity restrictions have loosened. Most important is legalization of .50 rifles and RPG-8s when exterminating stray cats pooping on your backyard. Some limitations were strengthened though: it's illegal, for example, to use some old-fashioned mouse, or rat snap traps because of unnecessary torture. New, legal models now snap off a rodent's or an animal activist's limb clean and fast. Jenny Craig's Organization and soup kitchens for poor get a big boost in availability of nutritional material of their preference.

Miranda, a widow of one of the Google founders, has established the Google Fund which distributes free Googleputers to those who don't own one yet. These
Googleputers go with free 100M/100M wireless access to Google Index, and their pointsticks (former joysticks) periodically inject Gookies (Google cookies on nano-chips) into users' fingers. Apart from precise identification of an individual, these Gookies can be also very useful in transporting into a user's body some vaccines against Anthrax, riots, AIDS, rust, cancers, and FLU (FLU like in 'Free Linux Usage', not bovine influenza that still has no cure for steak lovers; likewise, rinitis remains deadly disease among non-drinkers.)

An ancient famous line 'We, the people...' now reads 'We, the peeps...', as linguists succeded in proving beyond any doubt that original 18th century concept of 'people' never meant to include Afroams, Amerinds, women, Latinos, Brits, Jews, dyslexic morons, catholics, fetuses beyond 16 cells, IT guys, or biorobots of robocop or babelfish class, or all corresponding mutts of those. However, non-gookied citizens, terminator class robots and Amerinds are still prevented to run for a President of America (former NAFTA.)

So called 'emailing' is virtually exterminated now and went gopher way, as the last underground pop3, smtp, imap servers and relays are traced and closed down. There is Google Index based 'mail' instead (former Gmail), and it's much more powerful messaging system with 100 TB of undeletable storage per account. Correspondingly, instead of an obsolete and abandoned 'Shift-2', or '@' sign which was basically convoluted swash ligature of 'at'), the Googleputer uses a convoluted swash ligature of 'Goo' on that key, and it looks like this:

so my mail address will read like localudalGmail.com. On requests, traditional mail messages are printed out at destination post offices and delivered for free with hundreds of obligatory text ads on the envelope and margins of paper. Two or more pages of a mail user's letter are usually put on 100 GB X-Ray SuperDVD full of promotional clips and trailers.

Software is being developed mainly under the GPL which is now 'Googlopen Public Lisense', as former antelope GNU concept is virtually extinct because of mounting pollution of its "versions" with obsolete commas and complex fugures of speech. Previously GPLed Macrosoft's Hasta La Vista (former Longporn) operating system stays contained mostly in China where it was GPLed.

Blogging is used mainly by politicians, criminals, prostitutes, inside traders, drug dealers, leaking CIA/KGB agents, and as such is closely monitored by Google SA (former NSA; SA is jokingly decoded as 'Sicherheitabteilung', even when nobody remembers what was that.) Ordinary peeps use alogging, clogging and glogging instead, to render their writings about tornadoes and hurricanes and losses of life clogged with male enhancement ads.

American Department of Peace (DoPe; former DoD) started drafting peeps and non-gookied individuals younger than 65 for D13N operations (former democratization Iraqi style) in a next Newfoundrogueland. Continuous pleas of dying Dalai Lama for One Hour Of Peace On Earth have succeded at last: almost all warring nations accepted the idea, even if time zone confusions have brought about more bloodletting than average. However, UN plans several more One Minute Of Peace actions during next decade.

Googlespeak, previously a lingo of mainly babelfish robots, have started to spread fast among ordinary peeps, too, so this phrase written in a gookie letter of 2006 sounds quite good now:

'After carefully reviewing your experience and qualifications, we have determined that we do not have a 'Software QA Engineer - Internationalization (I18N)- Mountain View' position available which is a strong match at this time.'

Consequently, spam as we knew it ceased to exit, so seemingly spammy stanza such as this genuine sample:

'Julio was at singsong when that happened corduroy. nondescript at scram or even clog as in swanson. viscoelastic. clothesline at alkaline or even sec as in pinafore. anorthosite was at risible when that happened batch. librate was at continuous when this happened devious. hemoglobin at adoptive or even cleave as in avuncular. bilk was at coattail when that happened metallurgy.'

makes perfect adsense in Gogglespeak: the recipient of this text is in bad need of cheap Viagra and refinancing ads and so on. For example, the Babelfish translation of 'anorthosite was at risable' part sounds very much like request for some extra male enhancement offers.

Before 2025, the practical immortality was achieved, if only for individuals worth more than 10 Teradcents. Lung cancer of tobacco smokers is curable now, even while non-smokers continue to die of it either as defenseless second-hand inhalers, or mostly as first-hand inhalers of largely polluted air.

Katzendreck, prolonged drinking bouts, and resulting alcoholism mostly exterminated by wide introduction of vodkas containing potent reagents safely cracking katzendreck stuff. All drink Putin now, all of those previously hangovered morons.

Homosexualism becomes quite curable in the hands of practicing Intelligent Designers occupying special reservations and ghettoes clean of Darwinists. The same thinkers have succeeded in proving beyond unreasonable doubt that WTC columns steel melts at the temperature of burning jet kerosene, that is 451 Fahrenheit. Their main point was clearly demonstrated in extremely bad quality of Chinese frying pans made of World Trade Center's scrap metal.

Friday, November 11, 2005

APPLE GADGETS

When arranging those 'googlevisions' (see below), I somehow sidetracked and had one small 'applevision':

Next generation of iDope is a wireless, buttonless mouse, a piece of solid, expensively finished and modeled plastic, nice to touch or hold: media chip is 2,000 AdCents extra. When in player mode, it actually can't play anything: with DRM enforced it won't understand its own proprietary media format.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

GOOGLEVISION

One Google opening for i18n specialist requires a candidate to possess a "vision". You want a vision, here you go.

In 1993-1994 I worked on Nostradamus TV script translation, and it was me who said that the scene of a global war of West against Islam must be dated 2001, not 2000, as faulty translation of Nostradamus' quatrains suggested. Check it out in Mosfilm archives, or in some Hollywood script hangars.

Here's what happens in the next decade from now:

1. Google buys Australia, Starbucks, Moffett Field, Antarctica, some parts of California -- from a weakening grip of Governator. Google finances the digging of the tunnel and the pipeline between Eurasian Empire of Czar Putin I and Alaskan Dominion.

2. On Moffett Field, Google builds the Babelfish Tower out of millions of nanocarbon tethers delivering food, water, replacement nuts and bolts to ISS by dozen molecules at a time. Ancient flotilla of space shuttles is grounded and converted into Starbucks restaurants.

3. Google buys CNN, FoxNews, replaces their field force by 360 deg Webcams put on every phone pole in US and in major critical points around the globe. The new service is called Google News, and its content, zoom, direction and choice of commenting blogs can be tailored by user's preferences. Hollywood movies can be watched in raw footage, or pre-director's cuts. Effects, actors and scripts can be edited by a viewer.

4. Cash is virtually abolished and used only in illegitimate trade of drugs, firearms, in presidential campains and in live prostitution. Numismatists grumble over cash substitute called AdCents: an ancient $2 bill is valued at 200 AdCents at GoogleBay: 1 AdCent is equal to 1 million of AdSense clicks. As the result, Google Cache replaces Fort Knox. Google's motto 'Don't Be Evil' now reads: 'Don't Be!" Accordingly, the final solution to private information and its theft is brought about: except for the name, approximate date of birth, and fingerprints there's nothing could be found on any individual. Legacy data like account numbers, PINs, SSN, Apt./House Numbers, etc., are known only to Google Index and corresponding agencies.

5. Google trades McDonalds' back to Canada for Québec. Resulting huge reserves of frying oil, with Persian Gulf's oil being almost finished, are used in mix with corn schnapps to fuel 4-wheeled segways, or SUVs, as in Segway Utility Vehicle. Ford leads the pack of auto manufacturers with a nostalgically smelling Segway-T model capable of 1 mpg.

6. Googlers (see section below) are routinely shot off the skies over China and Northern Korea by ancient DoS ACKACKers. Google retaliates by using Mandarin over the Continental China. Meanwhile, with Google's backing Al Gore, the old Internet inventor, buys EU Internet back from European rebels. A new resulting Internet is called Google Index.

7. Google buys LOC, NYPL, SJPL, Stanford Library, and copyright debates cease with an acceptance of Copygoogle Law. Google buys Wikipedia and Britannica, publishes the resulting Brikiwikipedia in 100 set in Katull paper volumes of 5000 pages each. To enhance readability of such a tome, Googlese it is printed in (see below) has lost many useless letters and signs like 'c', 'j', 'q', 'v', 'w', 'y', 'z', '$', comma, colon, semicolon, ellipsis, dashes, etc. Sites insisting on using old, or so called correct English, are progressively excluded from Google Index.

8. Google launches Goobble, a space telescope armed with hurricane battling laser. First fire test was partially successful: the Omega hurricane was dissipated over Cancún, Transtexas, which was severely fried in the process. Goops!

9. Google's AdSense program is challenged by AbSence ideology by Teoma, the most used search engine of 2015. Teoma's success is based on abolishing spamming and sponsored links in its search results.

10. At Googleplex and next to Vint Cerf's, Google unveils a bronze monument of me, the best Google Borshcht Chef whose after-borshcht burp renders a better "Goooooooogle" sound out of majority of contest jury for 10th year in a row.

Monday, October 24, 2005

GOOGLER MUSIC

The flights on board of the Googler are spectacular, they are so appealing to the vision that they can create a new reality in itself. In this experience, only one thing is missing for better immersion: a sound of flight. Naturally, it's a sound of Googler's engine (not Google search engine, though, at least, not yet.) What can produce such sound? Right, the burning fuel can. Consequently, what does Googler run on? Packets, nothing else, TCP/IP packets, high-octane ones when in broadband. The Googler's dashboard can have something of a speedometer (imagine Bandwidth Meter graph by Wizard Software.) These samples, just like SETI samples, if thrown in thoughtlessly and indiscriminately, look and sound like white noise. Good enough if you're inclined to hear hiss, or OK, roar of your engine. However, for a discerning ear you may want to add some more features to plain quasi-random pitch variations (which is transfer rate, quite naturally.) Directions of packet transfer, use of UDP, ARP, ACK packets may determine group of musical instruments: say, you send in strings, and you receive in brass. Different ports may determine harmonies, my favorite here would be anxious C minor whine when downloading stream of spam emails. When diving and receiving a landscape detalizing stream, a variation on 'Walkürenritt' might be quite appropriate (just kidding; my favorite here would be 'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin.)

You don't have to be Arnold Schoenberg, or Krzysztof Penderecki to tackle this task, as there are some MIT guys who developed the software for kids named 'Hyperscore' (http://www.harmonylinemusic.com/hyperscore). This Hyperscore software produces a MIDI score out of basically graph drawn on the tape. Now we can input all our bandwidth graphs into that toy and see what happens.

Deaf people may get their perception by the Googler engine induced vibrations of their feedback-enabled joysticks.

Robert Plant may sing me '404' answer when it happens. Then it won't hurt so much.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

GOOGLER CONTINUES

The prototype of Googler is being built. Sort of. GeoURL to Google Earth transformation experiment by Patrick H. Lauke of http://www.splintered.co.uk fame is online and works just fine.

Thank you, Barry of http://www.nearby.org.uk/google.html, Wales, for the pointer.

As with any promising project, this one also got under loads of advertising, so it's not so easy to find your target among UK sightseeing distractions (just kidding, lads. It was fun.)